My heart is heavy this morning as I send my girls off to school. Inner thoughts of turmoil bounce off each other like bumper cars at Kings Island. Internal fears for my girls jump from one situation to another in the stampede for my soul's attention.
To calm myself, I decide to read to keep my thoughts at bay. I begin an article by Julianna Baggot called Never Safe Enough. She tells the tender tale of her mother's neurotic concerns over her children's safety. It was the very last paragraph of the article that brought tears to my eyes and a better understanding of my anxious thoughts.
"...but then my life took a turn. I started having children of my own.... Nowadays I choose to see my mother's fears as an act of love. With the birth of each child, she learned that fear tallies up beat for beat with love, and the world could betray her because she wanted something from it: her children's safety. As a mother--now of four--I do my level best to tamp down my anxious nature; I try to bequeath my love and humor. I like to think that's the best protection I can offer in this dangerous and delicate world."
Her words describe my anxiety. My nervous distress is my fear for their safety. Yet, I have chosen fear, but she learned that fear "tallies up beat for beat with love." Oh, how I love my girls and yet I'm afraid for them. Afraid for their future. So afraid that I fight daily against these helpless feelings of desperation. I am constantly faced with my inability to 'fight' for them or to protect them. The awful gut feeling that I won't be able to anticipate what they'll face today and guide/help them through it.
In coping with these fears, my motherly love for Tessa, Madeline, and Clara Taylor are unmasked and laid bare. What else can I do but give them to you, Lord? Before they were even born, I knew they belonged to you. That you had placed them in our care with very specific instructions about training them in your ways. You gave us the responsibility to care for them emotionally, physically, and spiritually. In return, You have blessed us with the awesome privilege to love on them, watch them grow, and delight in their company.
Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son Issac on the altar, because he trusted God wholly and completely. Will I ever come close to that kind of strength, that kind of faith? My anxiety arises from a lack of faith. I have to find peace in knowing that God can see the future and I can't. I have to find strength in the knowledge that God has never let me down. Regardless of what today brings to my girls, I have to rest in God's arms of love.
His compassion fails not.
He gives me 'strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.'
As difficult as it may be, I have no choice but to surrender my all to Him.
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