Wrestling

I am back at Panera for another Saturday morning. This morning I walked in and the place was buzzing. There was a large extended family gathered casually among three tables. Before them a feast of cinnamon rolls, bagels, muffin toppers, yogurt, coffee, juice, and milk. There were easily three generations. At another table- a grandfather sat with his two grandchildren (2ish and 6ish). He encouraged the 2 year old to put the butter on his cinnamon roll instead of directly in his mouth. I love it. Then the father sat down. It appears to be a regular get together for the group. As the grandfather continued conversation, he made plans "to get together" and go to the zoo. It was adorable. It was then that tears began to fall down my check. This was something I grew up with and my children will not.

I watched my mother die slowly and painfully from cancer. I made the decision to divorce. I deal with all of the pain of a "failed marriage" and my parts of that. I have had many horrible secrets revealed to me. . . and more. This week will be the hardest week of all.

Last night, I said aloud to God that I wanted Him to change something. I literally wanted what I wanted more than what His will was. This was a most grievous moment for me. Even as my mother lived bed-ridden with constant pain, I could accept God's will, way, and purpose. I just wanted some conclusion- but would continue to pray for perseverance through His situation of my mother's illness. BUT this issue now. . . .

I do not want this in my children's experience. I do not want this as an example of life.

Have you ever said aloud to God, "This enormous pain and tragedy, and crap is too much. Make it different."?

The Hebrews did and they got King Saul. What would things have looked like if they had not demanded what they wanted?

What have you told God is too much? What have you wanted to go away? What has felt too costly? What could you not reconcile in your own head? What have you begged God not to ordain (allow)?