What I'm learning about...

marriage is I must be responsible not only for my actions in marriage but also for my reactions.

a story by Becky Zerbe

"With a tear-stained, angry face, I walked into Mom's kitchen. She held the baby while I sobbed my declaration of independence. After washing my face and sipping a cup of coffee, Mom told me she and Dad would help me. They'd be there for me, which brought me great comfort.

"But before you leave Bill," she said, "I have one task for you to complete."

Mom put down my sleeping son, took a pen and sheet of paper, and drew a vertical line down the middle of the page. She told me to list in the left column all the things Bill did that made him impossible to live with. As I looked at the dividing line, I thought she'd then tell me to list all his good qualities on the right-hand side. I was determined to have a longer list of bad qualities on the left. This is going to be easy, I thought. I started immediately to scribble down the left column.
-Bill never picked his clothes of the floor,
-He never told me when he was going outside,
-He slept in church,
-He had embarrassing, nasty habits such as blowing his nose or belching at the dinner table,
-He never bought me nice presents,
-He refused to match his clothes,
-He was tight with money,
-He wouldn't help with the housework,
-He didn't talk with me.

The list went on and on, until I'd filled the page. I certainly had more than enough evidence to prove that no woman would be able to live with this man.

Smugly I said,

"Now I guess you're going to ask me to list all Bill's good qualities on the right side."

"No," Mom said.

"I already know Bill's good qualities. Instead, for each item on the left side, I want you to write how you respond. What do you do?"

...I'd pout, cry, and get angry. I'd be embarrassed to be with him. I'd act like a "martyr." I'd wish I'd married someone else. I'd give him the silent treatment. I'd feel I was too good for him. The list seemed endless.

...I'd love to say that Bill changed. He didn't. He still did all those things that embarrassed and annoyed me and made me want to explode. The difference came in me, from that day forward, I had to be responsible not only for my actions in our marriage but also for my reactions.

Taken from Becky Zerbe's article The Day I Left My Marriage...and the unusual advice that challenged my decision.