I'm changing.
I’m on the verge of something, I know not what it is. For me, living on the 'verge' (or in the liminal space) is the point at which any decision or experience is likely to begin or occur.
Living on the brink.
I know that I’ve been called to leave certain things behind: my friends, my community, my days as a home school mama, my home, friendships just beginning, being a stay-at-home mama, living close to family…
And yet none of these things are clean breaks. Bits and pieces of all of these things will come with me as I go, meaning that this is not so much leaving as reconfiguring old pieces into a new puzzle.
'The point at which something is about to begin,' might be a silly or redundant saying, but it's so different when you are on the other side of the situation.It's like a toothache that just pounds away while on the outside you look fine. In spare moments, my mind flies to the realm of "what if's" and "what next". It's mentally exhausting.
I've changed.
the unclean break. . . I think that is what is so painful. Death is hard sometimes even excrutiating, but there is a finality to it. FOr me, I think these earthly liminal spaces are more difficult because there is potential for being haunted. You know ghosts of not memories but realities, things still present. the real voice of an exhusband who refuses to submitt to God, seeing figures who have behaviorally hurt us, our ideas adored more than we the people were, duties once adored now left to the wayside. . . As these things go on and we pray, focusing on God's will for the purpose of moving through the liminal space, I realize within my self that I may often have be praying for God's will in moving gracefully through the liminal space but wanting death of awareness or realities of the forementioned so that I am not haunted; just full of memories.
ReplyDeleteSo, as I ponder these things another me fact is revealed: Am I praying for death of self alone or death of situation for myself?
How often is your prayer for death of self seasoned with a dash of death of situation because we are sure that that will drive away the ghosts?
Lord, forgive me for blaming my behavior (outward and with in my heart and mind) on the children who sit around me. Forgive me for distracting the focus from my growth and accountability of self with the actions and comparisons to others I percieve as more offensive.
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart today. Bring clearly before me in this moment the understanding and Truth that I am not "going to be haunted" but that I "am haunted". The ghosts are iamges of a distracted mind and walk. I allow, perhaps even create the gohsts for comfort that I am doing well in your will. Lord, remove these ghosts and fill me with submission adn faith and trust. . knowing that you have overcome not only THE world but MY world of sickness, pain, suffering, frustration, selfishness, . . .
Show me what makes me a ghost in other's walks. Purify my heart and thoughts and motives, Oh God.
You have mercy on me. Thank you Father.
"As we live, may we forgive gratefully each day. ANd for peace, for your love to increase, Holy Spirit we pray.
May the fruit we bear be Christ. May the harvest be ripe. The fruit won't fall so far from the tree, I'll abide in You as you abide in me. ANd the Father is Glorified. May the fruit we bear be Christ."
AMEN
M
Lost and Found "Fruit"